What do you think of my storie?
What do you guys think of my story? If you hate it please don’t post anything, if you hve any ideas or tips i would love if you’d post some, because I’m still working on my outline.
Introduction
“Come on Marisol, hurry up!”
Marisol ran her hand through her long silky black hair as she continued sprinting down the dock. The sun danced on the gray rolling waters, and seagulls squawked as they hovered above the beaches. It was about 9:00, and the cloudless powder blue sky shone radiant against the sunshine.
With Juliana on her shoulders, Kendall scampering at her heels, and Christopher ahead, they dashed along the harbor of Cadiz, not stopping until they reached their alley.
To them, the alley was their own world. Without a mother or a father, they felt like the alley was their home. It was pitch black and narrow, a few trash cans, a canopy of trees above the alley, and home to all kinds of rats and pests. To most people an alley is a dark mysterious place, unknown. Since as long as they could remember, that’s how they felt, with no clue of who they were.
Marisol tied her hair up in a dull crimson ribbon. She looked up at Christopher, her sapphire eyes shining. Christopher pretended not to notice and bent down to stroke Kendall’s soft golden fur. Juliana sat slumped against the alley wall, wrapped up in her dark jade blanket.
The two year olds chestnut hair was tucked under her chin. As Marisol gazed at the innocent freckled face, Juliana’s dark-chocolate eyes cracked open she let out a colossal yawn. Marisol looked at Christopher again. He looked away.
“CHRISTOPHER!” Marisol snapped.
Christopher swung his head around, and clutching his light brunette hair he snapped back,
“NO Marisol! For the last time! NO!”
“Well, Jul-”
“Juliana can deal with it, we grew up on the streets and we’re just fine!”
Marisol sighed and muttered,
“Well, one of us turned out fine. One of us is mental,”
Christopher shot her a glare and bent down to scratch the top of Kendall’s head.
“Why would I want to do this, Marisol?”
Marisol rolled her eyes and picked up Juliana, who started to get squirmmy.
“Are woo guys talking about me?”
She murmured, still half asleep. Silence.
“Or better yet Marisol,” Christopher mumbled.
“Maybe the question should be, why am I going to do this?”
Marisol jumped and screeched,
“Oh Chris! You mean it? You really do? Oh thank you! Thank you thank you! You’re the best brother in the whole-”
“Yeah Yeah,” he interrupted,
“And in five minutes I’ll be the worst,”
The next day, everyone dressed in the best clothes they had- Marisol in a torn lavender throw over with traces of mud and dirt and who-knows-what at the tassels of the dulled dress. Christopher had managed to find some half decent overalls- brown and rough, but half decent- and a dark burgundy shirt with only a few holes. Juliana was wrestled into lacy white clothes that they had found on some wealthy street where you could find coins, clothes and even jewelry lying around on the road, which she kept complaining were scratchy- and beaten up Mary Jane shoes. Kendall- their orphaned mutt they’d found in the dump last month- was wrestled into a carriage and wrapped tightly in a ratty yellow blanket, since they were sure no dogs would be allowed. They weren’t sure how to get in a second class boat, but they were going to have to try. Sun glinted between the clouds in the sky, the boat was tied to the dock, the name Pacifica painted on its side on fancy orange script. Their adventure was starting. Augusta, Georgia. Here they come, or at least, that’s what they thought at the time.
Chapter 1
“What now?” Christopher grumbled. Marisol took a step closer to the boat, and tied her hair up in that dull crimson ribbon she always had with her. “Wait for a bunch of folks to get on,” she whispered. There was some sort of guard— well maybe that’s not what they called him, but he sure looked like one, — standing at the entrance way of the ship. He had a thick jaw line, beady eyes, muscular arms, and a large bald head. He was in pretty bad need of a shave. Just then, a group of people walked on to the boat, laughing and talking and handing each other their tickets to pass to the guard. “Play along Chris ok?” Marisol hissed. Marisol dashed up to the guard, Chris following her unenthusiastically. Kendall with Chris, Juliana with Marisol. The guard stopped them short. “Tickets miss?” he grumbled. “Tickets?” Marisol acted as if she’d never heard that word in her life. “Andra said that the children get on free,” Marisol remarked. Chris mumbled, “Who’s Andra?” “Just play along genius, I don’t know!” After two split seconds Marisol was back in acting mode, “You see sir, our parents just went in, them folks, who just walked by, and we, I mean, you can’t, I mean, we can’t, we have a baby and a girl here who can barley even walk,” she pointed to the stroller and to Juliana. “Please sir, our family is
2 Responses
ツkαчlα
05 Feb 2010
kar
05 Feb 2010
its k

Edit:
The sun danced on the gray rolling waters(,)-NO COMMA and seagulls squawked as they hovered above the beaches. It was about 9:00 (AM OR PM?)(,) NO COMMA and the cloudless powder blue sky SHINED radiant against the sunshine.
It was pitch black and narrow(,) NO COMMA WITH a few trash cans, a canopy of trees above the alley, and A home to all kinds of rats and pests.
Since as long as they could remember, that’s how they felt(,) NO COMMA with no clue of who they were.
The two year oldAPOSTROPHE(‘)s chestnut hair was tucked under her chin.—WHAT 2 YEAR OLD? WHERE’D SHE COME FROM? As Marisol gazed at the-WHO’S? THE 2 YR OLD’S? innocent freckled face, Juliana’s dark-chocolate eyes cracked open AND she let out a colossal yawn.
Christopher swung his head around(,)-NO COMMA and clutching his light brunette hair he snapped back,
“Are (woo)-YOU? guys talking about me?”
The next day, everyone dressed in the best clothes they had- Marisol in a torn lavender throw over with traces of mud, dirt, and who-knows-what at the tassels of the dulled dress.
((((Juliana was wrestled into lacy white clothes that they had found on some wealthy street where you could find coins, clothes and even jewelry lying around on the road, which she kept complaining were scratchy- and beaten up Mary Jane shoes.))))-RUN-ON SENTENCE
Sun glinted-GLISTENED between the clouds in the sky, the boat was tied to the dock, the name Pacifica painted on its side on fancy orange script.
Marisol took a step closer to the boat(,)NO COMMA and tied her hair up in that dull crimson ribbon she always had with her.
Just then, a group of people walked on to the boat, laughing, talking and handing each other their tickets to pass to the guard.
________________________________________________
OVERALL:
It’s kind of confusing in the beginning middle when the conversations start.
EXAMPLE:
CHRISTOPHER!” Marisol snapped.
Christopher swung his head around, and clutching his light brunette hair he snapped back,
“NO Marisol! For the last time! NO!”
“Well, Jul-”
“Juliana can deal with it, we grew up on the streets and we’re just fine!”
Marisol sighed and muttered,
“Well, one of us turned out fine. One of us is mental,”
WHAT ARE THEY FIGHTING ABOUT? TRY TO MAKE IT MORE CLEAR.
YOU ARE A GOOD DESCRIPTIVE WRITER, THOUGH. IS that what this is supposed to be? I like how you describe things in great details. Sorry for writing in caps, but that’s how I get you to notice. If I was grading this as a teacher I might give you a 80%-85%